As everyone knows, India is business heaven. We don’t rest on
piffling perfection, however, and invite you to invest your money in the
many more booming opportunities we are determined to think up. Do stop
mumbling about
Vodafone and check out this very cool lion!
Look, we’ve had a bad few months in the anti-national paid media. There
was a bit of bad business with beef. We tanked in Bihar. The Delhi chief
minister took our raid badly. There was a slight national security
cockup at an air base. Then a student called Rohith Vemula offed himself
in Hyderabad, and everyone jumped down our throat. The stock market has
been feeling poorly, and the rupee… Look, please just give us your
money?Just promise to, so that we can put a bit of good news in the
papers. Thank you!
We just concluded our huge investment-attracting #MakeInIndia week in
Mumbai, and boy, was it a big impressive jamboree. Here’s how it went.
February 13: Inaugural day! The newspapers were filled
with Home Minister Rajnath Singh’s tweet from the previous day, saying
that we wouldn’t tolerate anyone who chants anti-India slogans and
challenges the nation’s sovereignty and integrity. This was after some
Jawaharlal Nehru University students held a meeting to discuss capital
punishment, and a student leader called
Kanhaiya Kumar made a heinous speech calling for freedom. Go, Rajnath.
February 14: Day two! Worship Your Parents day was
celebrated all over India in the traditional way, with couples dodging
policemen to feed each other chocolate and kiss behind bushes, and
patriots dragging them out and trying to frogmarch them to the altar. In
the evening a huge embarrassing fire broke out on a #MakeInIndia stage.
Funny coincidence (funny peculiar, not funny ha ha), a huge
embarrassing fire also broke out in Delhi over how we charged Kanhaiya
Kumar with sedition, on the basis of … we’ll get back to you on that,
still working on it. Also
Rajnath Singh said that Pakistani terrorist Hafiz Saeed was behind the
JNU meeting. It sounded good at the time.
February 15: Sigh, day three. Turned out the Hafiz
Saeed tweet about JNU was from a fake account. How was Commissioner of
Police Bassi to know? Still, the anti-national-if-not-terrorist Kanhaiya
Kumar was taken to court, where some patriotic lawyers beat up JNU
students and staff, and pro-Porkistan media. Our MLA, O P Sharma, also
beat up someone, good for him. What about Hanumanthappa? The media went
bananas — the selfish libtards always make everything about them. God,
loving your country is politically exhausting.
February 16: Noisy, noisy television debates. Bassi reminded everyone that we can’t just toss
O P Sharma in
jail just because of a camera lens, we have to look at it from a legal
lens. Amazing that we have to point these things out. We’re passing a
hat around the office to gift Bassi a spa coupon after he retires.
February 17: Um, so the journos got beaten up again
today, and the Supreme Court is pissed off, and we’ve managed to get Rs
5,000 lakh crore
investment in
articles, editorials, petitions, and televised screaming matches about
JNU and it turns out the videos were doctored and everyone is marching
everywhere and everything is a mess and nobody’s paying attention to
#MakeInIndia. Now we’re thinking Go, Rajnath, but in a different way.
February 18: Concluding day! We’ve fixed everything — we’re making all central universities put a giant
flag on
their campuses. That’s Phase 1. In Phase 2, we will make it mandatory
for all Indians to surgically implant a Tricolour on the top of their
heads.
Jai Hind.
Mitali Saran is a Delhi-based writer mitali.saran@gmail.com