Living In The Twilight Zone

It is amazing how the will to live can transform an indiviual's life. Especially if the persons concerned are suffering from an incurable disease like cancer. Despite the excruciating pain and turmoil they forge on ahead making their life most meaningful for themselves and the world.

"Every man is mortal" goes the old adage. But it carries a sense of urgency for the terminally ill. Most of them, I have seen, spend their last days confined to bed at home or in a hospital, waiting for the inevitable end. But there are the courageous few who will themselves to make the maximum difference to the world around them in the time remaining with them.

And yet, some like me, (I daresay there are a few others too; I really dont know), who live in the twilight zone. It's a grey area where nothing seems to be well-defined. As one writer has put it, twilight is the time when you cannot make up your mind whether to switch on the light or let it be off. Everything is hearsay and in the absence of hard "evidence" (medical reports, etc) there is no prima facie case to prove my "guilt" of suffering from a terminal illness. It is one of those strange situations where the "guilt" and the "punishment" are synonymous - sentenced to death by cancer.

So I go about giving most importance to my daily household chores and responsibilities knowing fully well there is no basis or a raison d'etre for expecting any 'special' treatment.

There are times in between when I can feel the deteriorating situation within me. But there is not much I can do except 'interface' with myself, until it passes. My wishlist cannot be, because I have chosen to live in the twilight zone. As Limin puts it "my mind is my biggest prisoner".